Camp Woody Pine — Close Encounters of the Woody Kind

Recovered surveillance footage — Camp Woody Pine, 24 JUL 2005

▸ RECOVERED SURVEILLANCE STILL // 24 JUL 2005 // 22:47

▸ ABSTRACT — INCIDENT REPORT

At 22:47 hours on 24 JUL 2005, a luminous unidentified craft was observed at low altitude over the wooded site locally known as "Camp Woody Pine." 9 teenage boys and 1 linebacking monkey witnessed something they shouldn't have. The Platform Tester reported seeing while the Cook said the next morning's eggs were spoiled by a sustained cyan-spectrum beam descending from the craft's underside, accompanied by figures.

The Co-Founders argue about what happened in the minutes after, while others report a nude blonde male figure being thrown into a swimming pool. Standard memory-suppression protocols were applied to all parties. Subjects were released to civilian life under the cover designation of "a routine summer campout."

Twenty-one years later, the group reunites at a site known as "Castle Wolfenstein." Per Directive 7-A, the surviving witness pool is to be reassembled at these coordinates for scheduled declassification.

> OPERATION CODENAME: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE WOODY KIND
> WITNESS RETURN: MANDATORY

▸ THE INCIDENT — THE WOODIES: FEATS OF STRENGTH

The main event. Teams of two. Five stations of questionable athletic merit. One trophy. Below is the full protocol — what it is, when it happens, how you score, and what you're in for.

WHEN SAT 25 JUL
3:00 PM

WHERE Intercourse Arena
@ Castle Wolfenstein

FORMAT Teams of 2
5 stations

MIN. TEAMS 5
no max

▸ HOW IT WORKS Two teams face off at each station. Each station runs two 60-second rounds: your Competitor 1 goes in Round 1 while Competitor 2 keeps score, then you swap for Round 2 (it's only fair everybody gets a turn on top). Points from both rounds are cumulative — every point counts toward your team total. Teams rotate through all five stations.

Scoring is on the honor system and kept in check by the competitors. Each station has a score sheet used live while competition is taking place. Before a station swap — after each competitor has gone — the scorekeeper records the scores from that station, and then we rotate.

STRATEGY NOTE: point values are tuned so a strong showing at any station is worth about the same as any other. No single game decides the whole thing, so dominating your best event covers for the one you choke on. Crush mudball, redeem yourself. Can't saw worth a damn, make it up on tires. Everybody's good at something. Allegedly.

THE STATIONS

STATION 01

Mudball

10 | 25 | 50 pts
bullseye

STATION 02

Nail Drive

10 pts per straight nail

STATION 03

Woody Chop

25 pts per complete 2x4 cut

STATION 04

Skeetball

10 | 25 | 50 pts per tote

STATION 05

Tire Toss

25 pts ringer | 10 pts leaner

STATION 0?

Classified

Additional stations added depending on total teams.

5 STATIONS ▼ THEN ▼ THE FINALE

🔥 The Gauntlet of Grit 🔥

// last one standing, first one crawling //

After the stations, everyone left with any dignity runs the finale. Solo runs — each competitor takes the course alone, starting with 150 points and losing 1 point per second until the finish line. Complete at least one rep at every obstacle for a valid run.

THE AMBUSH: during Beam Balance and Bucket Carry, a rival team of your choosing opens fire with water balloons full of diluted vinegar. Every balloon that pops on you or your partner earns the rival team points — 25 for a Skeet Ball launcher hit, 10 for a hand-thrown hit. Unpopped balloons don't count. Keep your balance. Keep your dignity. You will keep neither.

Syrup Shot→ Tarp Crawl→ Nail Drive→ Saw Cut→ Beam Balance 🎯→ Bucket Carry 🎯→ FINISH

🎯 = ambush zone. You're a wet, vinegary target here.

▸ BONUS ROUND — REDACTED TRIVIA Host and time permitting: a quizmaster-run buzz-in round played by all teams at once — not part of the station rotation. Camp Woody Pine and Constantine lore, 25 points each, first team to buzz in gets the answer. Fastest thumb, sharpest memory.

winner winner chicken huntin' dinner

🏆 CHAMPIONS RECEIVE 🏆

The Woodies Champion Trophy

Best Woody entry on the Champions Plaque

Bragging rights until next July

RUNNERS-UP RECEIVE: the crushing weight of defeat

Some of you peaked in middle school.
Time to find out who.

> The Woodies is a separate registration from your campout RSVP. Teams enlist independently. 2 competitors per team.

▸ FEATURED YARD GAMES

Volleyball

Pool Time

Cornhole

Kan Jam

Spikeball

Ax Throwing

Fruit Launcher

Mudball

Ditchem

Air Hockey

Ping Pong

▸ SCHEDULED ACTIVITIES

FRI · NIGHT Euchre Tournament — bracket-style, bring a partner
SAT · 9 AM River Float — Bristol Park landing to Castle Wolfenstein
SAT · 3 PM The Woodies Feats of Strength

▸ SUSPECTED ASSETS IN ATTENDANCE

COACH GRIFF
COACH McGEE
COACH MESS
MRS. MESS: SAT · UNCONFIRMED

▶ PAID PROGRAMMING

Redman Marunde's Handcrafted Pizza Dough

Hands Jennings Locally Famous Smoked Meats

▸ INTERCEPTED AUDIO — OFFICIAL CWP FREQUENCY

Surveillance has been monitoring these transmissions on loop. Resistance is futile. Hit play.

// incoming transmission //

▸ INCOMING TRANSMISSION

SNAKEFANG SCHROEDER

"STILL WATERS"

// new single // debuting live at the site // 25 JUL //

// intercepted broadcast //

▸ COORDINATES

BRISTOL, IN
CODENAME: "CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN"

Exact coordinates classified. Text Ryan for location clearance.

FORM 7-A // REV. 03/85 // FILED BY: R.